Log in

Twisted and Confused - My life story
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in montypythons86's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Sunday, May 14th, 2006
9:44 pm
So. Emotionally. Drained.
I am officially finished with my freshman year at Millikin University and have moved back home. It is the most unusual feeling in the world! To be completely honest, I really miss college right now. I miss the long nights with the guys, watching movies with the girl and the drunken nights with whoever I'm out with. It's amazing to look back and see how far I've gone this year and how much I've grown and matured since that fateful day in August when I came here as a naive freshman. Wow, it's truly amazing how much has changed. I've made 5 really great friends and an incredible girlfriend; both of which I only hoped for when I came to Millikin. I have so many thoughts right now that I can't even begin to write what I feel. It feels like I'm homesick...but I'm at home. I'm definitly looking forward to next semester and living in the Woods with the guys and making and sharing memories for another year that could fill another lifetime. I'm just amazed when I look back at all the people I've meet these past 9 month. So many different backgrounds and so many different stories; each one different. It makes me realize how lucky I am and at the same time realize how far I've come as a person and how far I've got left to travel on this road called life. I have to admit though, it was hard saying goodbye to everyone these past couple days and at times, I was holding back tears because the summer just won't be the same without Heller's loud, random outbursts; Meyer's pointless chair humping; Vazquez's OMEGA's at 2 o'clock in the morning; Mott's never ending stories and girl drama; Jordan's loud music and hogging the TV all day to play XBOX; and for sure me and Deon's never ending game of "I'm the juggarnaut, bitch!" Of course, I'm going to miss Kasey and the priceless time we've spent together. Eventhough I already miss her (damn, I'm such a little girl), I wouldn't trade the time we've spent together for anything in the world. While falling for a girl who lives in a completely different state wasn't the smartest choice ever, she is soooo totally worth it. I don't know what it is I miss most about her; maybe it's holding her, the way she looks at me or even her random outbursts of Month Python quotes...or maybe it's a combination of everything, but I can't wait until I can hold her in my arms again (don't really care how cheesy it sounds). I cannot emphasize how hard it was to kiss her goodbye today all while trying to be a man and act tough, not show the emotion I really feel and drive back to St. Charles with only one last kiss to fuel me until we see eachother again. I can't even describe what I feel, but I know for sure I will miss holding her in my arms, meaningful kisses that I wish could go on forever and the classic pouting I provoke only to hold her and run my hands through her hair as she falls asleep...I could go for that right now. The only thing I've got left to say is...24 hours ago, I was with her...hell 12 hours ago I was with her knowin she was right there by my side knowing nothing could stand in my way. Damnit I'm such a pussy...and I'm corny and cheesy but hey, it's been a long, emotional day.

Which brings up the fact that my dad laid some news on my that still hasn't quite hit me yet. Upon arriving home, I get the usual "good to have you home, how was your drive, etc." Only to be followed by an unsettling "The good news is, the porksteaks are just about done." I'm thinking, yes! how pumped am I right now? "But there is bad news, Albie and Harry are no longer with us...We had to put them down around the time of your Wash. U meet." Okay, didn't quite hit me until the past few minutes. ALBIE IS NO LONGER HERE!!? Now, people don't know I had a special bond with her. She was MY cat for years. Too many priceless moments...her screaming outside the shower door waiting for me to get out, scratching her back while she would bite my forearm, not eating her food until I touched it...too many to list and it's only making this harder for me remembering all the times with that cat I loved so much for so many years. Although I did see this coming, I was in definite denial about the whole thing. She began losing her personality when I left for school on Spring Break. Now, her personality was that of, "I am woman, here me roar! I'm in charge and I don't care how big or mean you are, I'm gonna beat your ass and put you in line!" Pretty dominate. My parents told me she quit eating and didnt seem to have a care in the world anymore because she was slowly dying before their eyes. While I wasn't as close to Harry, I saw his ultime fate coming as well. He had a brain tumor that obviously wasn't leaving after a surgery and was the best thing because he was suffering. I don't blame my parents for doing what they did. It was the right thing and I would have handled it the exact same way. I just wish life didn't have to hurt so much sometimes, but you know what? What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Right?

On a brighter note, I did get to see Mitch tonight! That was one of the perks to todays emotionally tumbling episode. He's growing so much and I can only hope I'll be a good uncle.

While there is soo much more I want to talk about and get off my chest, I don't have nearly enough left in my seeing as how I'm emotionally drained. So I think I'm going to attempt this unpacking thing again only to get nowhere and then call it a night!

Current Mood: sad
Sunday, May 7th, 2006
5:43 pm
How pumped am I right now??
As I sit here and write this (while watching dumb and dumber!), I can't help but think in possibly a week I will be in the confines of my home. Unless of course I qualify for nationals in track. Which brings me to another exciting point! I have acheived one of my lifetime goals yesterday at the CCIW conference track meet. I FINALLY BROKE 49 IN THE 400!!! I officially ran a 48.98 and placed second. That was supposedly the first time in about 10 years someone from Millikin placed in the 400. That time totally came out of nowhere, too. Friday in prelims I ran a 50.16 and BAM! 24 hours later I drop over a second. I didn't even make it into the 49's this year. I guess that's how it is sometimes. On top of that, I'm only half a second away from qualifying for nationals. Who knows if I'll get another chance to qualify this year, but I'm not too concerned about it. I'm only a freshman and I'm that close. I'm pretty pumped right now and it really only makes me look forward to next season. I'll get a chance to redeem myself next year as well. The guy who beat me, his name's adam pennington, ran a 47.9. Yeah, he's kinda fast...you know, was an all american last year as a freshman...he's alright. my NEW goal is to break 48 next year and run in nationals. That would put me in a whole new class. Breaking 50 was one thing, breaking 49 is another thing, but breaking 48?? That's an elite class that guys have ran in the Olympic time trials. I'm also somewhat impressed that I came back and ran a 49.7 split in the 4x400m relay. I can't begin to express how pumped I am. I was even interviewed by the paper, which was kinda odd but at the same time exciting. Next year should be great for the 400 meter runners. As of right now, we'be got three guys running sub 50 in the 400 with a transfer who ran sub 50 in high school as well as two recruits who are 50 second runners. I WILL run a sub 49 next year consistantly, Tae and Frank will both be 49 and some other guy will run a 49, which by my calculations would put us at 3:16/3:17 and qualify for nationals. Yay! However, I have to admit, I'm ready for track to end. Between wanting to be done with Decatur and my constant naggings foot problems and hamstring problems...I want it to be over with!

Sorry, this was pretty much a pointless post but I'm that damn excited that a 48 is attached to my name...I've been seeing 48's next to people's names and seen them run in person and thought, Damn, that's fucking movin! Now that I'm in the club, it feels awesome. Alright, I'm done being a cocky, self-absorbed asshole for a little bit. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Current Mood: ubber pumped up
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
1:14 am
need a quick vent before bed!!!
ok, it's 1:15 in the morning. not too late, but i want to fall asleep before 3 tonight and it doesnt seem likely. instead, my roommate is playing halo with another person and theyre being loud. i try to ask them to keep it down and and turn the tv down but it doesnt seem too likely. is halo really that big of a deal? is it that important? yes, me and heller messed with jordan and meyer by turning their tv's off while they were in the middle of the game, but it was only because they get pissed off for no apparent reason! its a god damn video game! so keep the fuckin' volume down, quit bringing uninvited people in my room to play random games when im trying to sleep, and be a little bit more considerate! FUCK!!!

Good night.

Current Mood: a lil pissed off
Thursday, April 27th, 2006
9:42 pm
Soooooo true
Here's a portion of my horoscope for today:

You keep your eyes firmly on the prize -- you're willing to eschew instant gratification for long-term results.

And is it ever true. It's funny how sometimes horoscopes, while meant to be viewed as something fun, can be so true. I'm aiming this at some of my buddies and there neverending questions regarding my personal life. It doesn't bother me because I just kinda go with it and put it aside.

Other than that, I'm for sure stuck here at Millikin until May 19 while I could be getting outta here on May 13th, but no, I'm running the 400m hurdles the last two meets of the year, which are optional for everyone except for me. The only reason I'm running is because I have a chance at going to nationals in the 4x100m relay and/or the 400 hurdles. I'd be happy going to nationals but I just want to get home and start working! That and I'm soooo stoked to get the new Hoobastank, Three Days Grace, and AFI CD's!!!

Should be an interesting summer to say the least, but I'm looking to take it head on.

Current Mood: calm
Thursday, April 20th, 2006
1:25 pm
5, 4, 3, 2, 1...explode!
I really need to vent right now or else I'm going to lose it. Okay, keep in mind, I enjoy my privacy and quiet times. I'm not antisocial or whatever, I am just a perosn who needs their space at times. I like having people around and fun stuff like that, but for God's sake, a lack of privacy will do this to me! Another thing before I rant, I HATE (emphasize hate again) inconsiderate people. If there is one thing that gets on my nerves, its people who lack respect for others. I know I sound like an old man but it's the one thing that will piss me off, because other than that, I'm extremely easy to get along with. Now, the reason I'm about to freak out and go on a metaphorical rampage; my room is constantly a freakin zoo! There are people in here what seems like 24 hours a day but in all actuality, probably 12-14 hours a day. What might they be doing? Most likely playing HALO 2 because they have no life! There is nothing wrong with having people in here or playing video games for the matter. But when there are always poeple in here, I begin to get irritated. A common feature among the 4 to 5 people always in here, they are all borderline failing classes, my roommate included. Just because they don't give a shit about their grades, they just ask, "why are you always working?" When in actuality, I only spend maybe an hour or two doing work and most of it is catchup. I guess what really set me off today was the fact that Ludwig, the same guy I got in a fight with, walks in sits down, turns on the XBOX and procedes to play. This is five minutes after I wake up and my roommate is in class! He doesn't even ask or lets me know, he just starts playing. It's like my room is turned into a free hotel with complimentary HALO. I mean afterall people do seem to enjoy falling asleep in my bed, which doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Also, the fact that when I leave to go have a life outside of my room, Jordan leaves and will often leave a couple people in here playing games while neither of us are in there...I trust the people in here while we're gone but it seems to me like its inconsiderate of them. I can go on and on but it will do no good. I just can't wait until next year, really the next three years of having my own room and the privacy I ever so need! Thank you for reading my rant.

Current Mood: GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!!
Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
1:02 am
eirnos detsu euq rev ed abaca ogla airah
Tim McGraw...what a guy!

An update on life now. Things are that of a college student I guess. School still stresses me out and track is doing good. I managed to pull my hammy last week but everything is alright. I'm doing the rehab thing and it seems to be paying off. I should hopefully be back in a week or two...hopefully. My nephew was born. Those of you who have myspace/facebook already know that but for those of you who don't, he was born on the 24th of March at 3:34AM...yeah, he's a stud. I'm desperately looking forward to going home and seeing the family and all that good stuff, but I know I'm going to miss Millikin. As weird as it sounds, as much as I complain about not liking it here and wanting to transfer to Mizzou, Millikin has somehow managed to find its place with me.

Now, down to business...I had a few hours of down time tonight which I spent most of reading Angels and Demons (great book, suggested read), but I starred off into space/an empty computer screen just thinking about things and putting thoughts into words...gasp! I thought out all of my flaws and tried to figure them out and correct them. I desperately need to be more decisive. It's not a lack of confidence, it's just my laid back personality shining through. In my mind, I know exactly what I want. There problem lies somewhere between my head and my heart...I just need to put all hurdles aside and get to the point with somethings. By hurdles, I mean fear. It's an uncertain fear I can't quite put my finger on, however, I know it exists somewhere in the darkness that is the brain/heart of Jacob Michael Montgomery...it sounded better in my head, but I know what I want and so does she...

Current Mood: content
Monday, March 20th, 2006
10:55 pm
Lonely with nowhere to go
Alright, I remember why St. Charles Missouri sucks sometimes...nothing to do. Maybe it's just the fact that I can't go out because it's supposed to snow and get icy all through the night. Otherwise, I'd be over at Lara's apartment...for those that know our sometimes awkward situation, just think about that real quick and laugh out loud if you must...ok, moment over. The weather sucks, it's SNOWING outside right now and I'm on spring break. Spring break and snow should not be in the same sentence EVER!!! I would so rather be in Florida with the thousands of other college students right now getting fucked up beyond recognition, but what can you do? I'll have my oppurtunities starting this summer when we go on a float trip!

With all this free time, I've started Angels and Demons. I've heard it was a good book, so why the hell not? I'm also really excited my nephew arriving any day now! My sister has an appointment tomorrow with the doc so we'll have an idea how close she is to having baby Mitch. I just hope she has it soon so I can hold him and be around for some of his first moments on earth. That is really what I was looking forward to while I'm home for break, that and finally seeing my family again!

I must admit, I am ready to get back to school and finish my freshman year of college. As stressed out as I am, I'm facing it head on. I'm also ready to get back to getting a few things worked out with someone...yeah. Small portions of my life are getting kinda complicated when they really shouldn't be. I think I'm just over thinking the situation, which doesn't suprise me now that I think about it. I just don't want to screw things up. Nuff said.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
3:15 pm
Mind games...
I've been having ephanies (lazy to look up spelling) these past few days for reasons I don't know why. It could be the book I'm reading called Ishmael in which basically a man and a talking gorilla (bear with me here) are sitting in this dark room talking. The gorilla, named Ishmael, is explaining to this man the meaning of life, the existance of human civilization and what he can do to save the world. It's actually a great book. I think it's rubbing off on my a little bit. Anyway, I've been putting more things into perspective lately as far as my future and what the present requires me to do in order to see my future. I'm not talking about love interests here (save it for another day), I'm talking about my education and my extracurriculars. I'm starting to manage my time better now that I'm getting used to having a noisy ass roommate again and constant interruptions. I hope I'm just worrying but I think my grades are horrible right now. I'm stressing out about it as it's constantly on my mind. I don't sleep very well as it is and it's keeping me awake at night. I have skipped ONE class this semester and it was so I could go sign the lease to live in the Woods next year. Other than that, been on time everyday. I hate how people can just skip classes and not fret about it one bit and still get good grades. Damn you all to pieces. It doesn't help that my professors don't teach very well. On top of that, I have to remember 60 some-odd functional groups by tomorrow for a huge arse quiz! I'm going to have fun with that one tonight. Sure I could take the easy way out. I could go work for my brother-in-law right now and drop out of Millikin. Of course I'd have to go St. Charles Community College (SCCC to the locals) and get a business degree while working for the bro but in a matter of probably 5 or 6 years, I'd be making six figures (at least. estimated company worth is 15 million in 5 years). But that's not what I want to do. I want to live the college life, get drunk, get the college sweetheart that I failed to get in high school. I want to live and enjoy my early 20's before I spend the next 50 or 60 years of my life working my ass off. Of course, if I don't get my grades up and don't start to do better in track, I'll be paying off loans until I die. Better in track means we can weasel more money out of the school. Interesting theory, huh? I'm so ready for track to be over with, at least indoor. I'm slowly losing confidence in myself, which I know I'll gain back in the outdoors...but I'm just ready to have a day off...I'm out.

Current Mood: stressed
Sunday, February 19th, 2006
2:08 pm
And the beat goes on...
Gotta love alcohol even if it means puking at a random place with people you don't know very well if at all. Oh well, shit happens and then you forget. That's what pictures are for. It could be worse though. I could have been like somebody I know and been a wingman for a night. hahaha. "Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems." or maybe "Beer, helping ugly people have sex since 1863." Either way, it doesn't matter to me. The only thing I'm not to happy about is the fact that I never know what people's perception of me entails after I've had a few. I don't want to hurt people or make them think less of me. I think I may have done that last night. I really think I'm just fucking myself over and putting my foot in my mouth sometimes with what I'm trying to accomplish. I guess only time will tell if that's all that I'm doing. I hope it's not but things don't always come out the way we plan.

I can't wait to move into the Woods next year. I get my own room so it can be quiet when I need to accomplish some shit. Maybe that's why my grades aren't where I want them to be...

Current Mood: indescribable
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
11:31 pm
Love Song for No one
Happy Valentine's Day people. Enjoy the time you have with your loved one and let them know how you feel about them because you never know when it could be to late.

Me you ask? I'm alone again. What's new. I really wish it weren't that way but there is only so much a guy can do. I'm looking for something special. However, I can't seem to find it. I'm not looking for a girl to just have sex with whenever I wish though if it comes with that package, I'm not going to decline the offer. I want REAL emotion and feeling in a relationship; in other words, a REAL relationship. In the this day in age when girls are throwing themselves at guys (not all girls), I, for whatever reason, look for the opposite. A real girl so to speak. I know girls talk all the time about wanting the perfect guy who can provide emotional support and whatever. This quote sums it up:

"You want to find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot..who calls you back even though you just hung up on him..who thinks you are perfect even though he knows the worst thing about you..who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead..who wants to show you off to the world when you are in a t-shirt and sweats..who holds your hand in front of his friends..who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup..one who is constantly reminding you of how much he loves you and how lucky he is to have you..the one who turns to his friends and says "that's her."

Well, I read that and that's me. Honestly, that's the type of relationship I'm looking for. (This sounds like a personal add or something...I'm such a dork.) It's just frustrating sometimes. I've had a grand total of...2 gf's in the past 5 years...totalling about 6 weeks, tops. Someone tell me, is this my fault or am I missing something. I still remain in contact with the 2 girls but still, I feel like something is missing. I guess I have a jealous side towards people in relationships that I'm looking for. I know they fight and shit, but to have that comfort of another individual there for you...damn. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone in relatioships and I wish them all the best. I just feel that's the part of my life I'm not living and don't ever really think I will have. Sometimes I feel destined to be alone for my entire life. I look at people not wearing a ring (such as a few of my professors), and I just think 'will that be me in 20 years?' If so, that's depressing and makes me want to cry. Damn you Cupid, your aim sucks!

I know I'm just bitching and someone probably things I'm just looking for sympathy, but I'm just expressing the way I feel. Other than me bitching about stuff that will hopefully change in the hopefully near future, life's been a bitch the past few days. Let's start with Monday morning. I find out I wrote a 3 page paper on the wrong god damn article! I didn't figure this out until a couple hours later so I can't exactly change anything. I just hope the teacher gives me a change to not have a 0 on the assignment. Then, I have a test which I hope I did well on. It was one of those things you either knew or didn't and I hope I knew the answers. I had a bright spot in the day when I talked to someone who always seems to make me feel good when I talk to them, sigh of relief :) Then the shit hit the fan. My ex gf, who had the baby (not mine) starts talking to me and is telling me about how none of her old friends want to hang out anymore now that she had a baby and how she has no friends and how the father isn't having anything to do with the kid (she told me she didn't want him involved???). I try to talk to her because I feel obligated to support her since she has no father and doesn't really like her parents. I can't imagine the situation she's in but she's happy she has a healthy baby boy. The way she was talking, she sounded like she was about to hurt herself and that's the last thing I want to happen. While I don't have any physical or emotional attraction for her, that would severly hurt me if she did anything to hurt herself. Just from my psychology classes I've taken, that starts a domino effect that never seems to end (a la - my family). I think she's doing good now that I've talked to her and let her know she was special and had friends and stuff; I just hope she doesn't think I still have feelings for her. Then I had a bad night last night just thinking about the past and how it was Valentine's Day coming up and I had no Valentine. The stress of school and the combination of lonliness hit me pretty hard last night and today, but I'm a tough cookie; I won't crumble under the pressure...too bad my insides are still soft dough. Track is looking up though. There in lies one of my two bright spots (the other is my future nephew due in March!!!).

There's so much I feel right now but don't know what that feeling is; let alone how to express it. I can try to sum it up like this, some advice you might say:

This is a special time of the year, though you won't hear me telling people that. It's a time where two people let eachother know how they feel towards one another. It's a time where happiness is spread to all the happy couples. Tonight, or any other night for that matter, let that special person know how you feel, whether it be your significant other, crush, family member, friend, etc. Just let them know that they're special and you love them because you never know when it could be to late and you don't get to tell them the way you truly feel. I've let to many individuals leave this earth or my life and they never knew the way I really, truly felt. Don't let that happen to you becuase you will live your life in regret; and regret is painful and won't ever let you live it down. As the famous quote says, "Carpe diem." To add my own wrinkle to the quote, seize the day and seize the moment before it's to late.

Good night everyone and Happy Valentine's Day. I'm going to cuddle with my pillow and listen to sad sappy love songs while I fall asleep.

Current Mood: Living in regret...
Monday, February 13th, 2006
12:30 am
I kiss your feet; worship the air you breathe...
Your touch, your ways
Leave me dumb without reason
Your love, my cage
My prison so pleasing
I spend my days
Tangled in thoughts of you
Stuck in this place
Resigned to be your fool

I thirst no longer
Drenching my soul
Pour out like water

You're my only infatuation
Don't leave me stranded
In my obsession
My purpose, my possession
Live and die in my obsession
My obsession


Come down to me
Don't ever say that it's over
I kiss your feet
Worship the air you breathe
Your love, my gift
You go and I will follow
My dream, my wish
Don't leave me here so helpless

I thirst no longer
Drenching my soul
Pour out like water

You're my only infatuation
Don't leave me stranded
In my obsession
My purpose, my possession
Live and die in my obsession
My obsession

Am I a lunatic?
I'm going crazy
For just a word from
For just a touch from you

And I'm exploding like chemicals
I'm going crazy, can't get enough [2x]

I thirst no longer
I thirst, yeah
Drenching my soul
Drenching, oh

I thirst no longer
Drenching my soul
Pour out like water

You're my only infatuation
Don't leave me stranded
In my obsession
My purpose, my possession
Live and die in my obsession
Oh, oh, oh, my obsession
Oh, oh, oh, my obsession
My obsession

Great song. I believe that's the way I feel right now. Damn, it must be close to V-Day! BUt, wait what's that? Monty's alone again?? Go figure.

Current Mood: apathetic
Saturday, February 4th, 2006
12:05 am
I'll keep you my dirty little secret...
That's all I have to say really. It seems so right but at the same time so distant and hard to grasp. Part of that void seems to have been filled but so much more is left vacant. It just seems so close but yet so far. So much work could go into this but what if things aren't what they seem...I hate these feelings. The last weekend in February has potential. I hope things work out and an occasion takes place...

Other than that, I have a meet tomorrow...accidently missed a warm up practice tonight, seriously unintentionally. Hopefully get to run tomorrow. Goal time in the 4: 51.8

Nuff said.

I see you in my dreams,
I reach out...but no ones there


Current Mood: hopeful
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
1:04 am
Why did God bless the Broken road??
It's been a while since I last wrote in this bad mama jamma. Not much has changed really in the past couple weeks...still running track, still single :( However, school has started and oh what a beautiful time it's going to be this year. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday suck because I have 4 classes but Tuesday I only have a lab in the morning and Thursday I have off! I need that day off especially if I'm going to be at track meets on just about every Saturday from here til the end of school...That means I'm verrrry rarely going to get to go home now. LAME! I'm partially frustrated with track right now too. I've already managed the break the no drinking during season rule (oops!?) and I ended up puking after a couple hours of drinking vodka/gatorade. I still feel lucky that I'm alive after that night, lol. They have also indirectly informed me that I can't play in intermural basketball because "chance of injury and not fully giving yourself to your track teammates." I don't think I'm going to get injured playing bball.. it's my life and I'm a tough kid; live with it. The annual track season has already begun to beat the shit out of my legs. My shins are already hurting like hell and my hammy is already beginning to do its annual tweak. No harm, I'm a tough kid right? With that said, my legs are seemingly shot as well as my motivation to run. Running 6 to 7 days a week is a lot of running and I need a day off. It would compliment my Thursday quite nicely I think. My times aren't where I want them to be either. I ran a freakin' 53.63 in the open 4 on Saturday...! Still got 5th place but I'm so pissed off at my performance it's not even funny. If I don't run something in the 52's, still not what I want, there will be something done somewhere. I don't think the workout regime is up to par. We need to alternate easy day, hard day with hard days being harder as each week progresses. Then easy days contain something that is not as intense and more rest...sorry for boring people, I just had to get that off my chest, lol.

I really want to focus on working out right now. I have lost all gains I got over break and I've managed to lose a few pounds I put on. Shit. Life a bitch ya know. It's kinda like a penis. When it gets hard, fuck it.

Hey, on a bright note. I had a small conversation with Nikki the other day and it was soooo nice to talk to her. We have finally hopefully put our differences aside and can be friends. I don't hate her, I hope she doesn't hate me. I just want to be a friend now who can be there for her whenever she needs it. Like now, she's having a bad time with something and I just want to make her happy. Is that to much to ask?

On an exciting and bright news flash: we're getting an apartment next year!!! Me, Jordan (roommate), Ludwig and Flemming are going to move into the Woods! I can't wait because I'll have my own room and still be surrounded by buddies. Heller, Quez, Meyer, and someone else are also getting an apartment in the same place as well as a few other friends. It's going to so cool dude! lol I seriously can't wait. I've got my full time job set up for the summer making the big bucks as well. This will serve as a temporary job when I graduate as well. Things are lookin' up...if that's so, why do I feel this emptiness inside? Something is missing and its hurts so bad sometimes. I'm tired of living in this pain...but I'm a tough cookie. At least on the exterior I am. Never willing to reveal my insides as I go on day by day living in the shadows. One day I'll fill this void and eliminate the dark cloud hoovering over my head. At least I've got my music to ease the pain...

I'll find you one day whoever you are.

Current Mood: yet the chin stays up
Sunday, January 15th, 2006
11:45 pm
What an exciting week...(yawn)

So I made it through my first week of track and everything went just as I thought it would.  I paid for not running over break by puking after my first track practice even though it wasn't a hard practice. I think it was running indoors for the first time.  It's so much different running indoor track.  The track is only 200m long and there is soooo much stale air...It's going to be an interesting indoor season.  I'm happy with where I'm at; I should make some noise these first couple weeks...I'm sure of that.  It was a pretty boring week otehrwise.  People have finally started to come back on campus.  I happy and at the same time sad.  I'm happy to see some buddies again but it was nice having the dorm quiet at night and not having to live in a shit hole.  Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it.  I'm still kinda homesick.  I miss my family and my pets and just home in general.  I think my dad is feeling it too.  He called me today to talk about the Colts game. That was nice but just made me more homesick.  Hopefully when all my friends get back on campus I'll not be so homesick.  I just wish there was something to look forward to.  Currently I have nothing to really look forward to besides going home next and getting out of school for the summer.  Sure track meets are fun but I get small panick attacks before I run and that already stresses me out.  I think I need a gf or something eventhough I know it will only hurt in the long run...On a happy note, I'm gettting a 450 dollar check in about a month from school.  That should hold me for the rest of the semester as far as money, yay for me! 

Oh yeah, I heard God Bless the Broken Road today on my iPod...it made me so sad I played it like 4 more times before I forced myself to turn the thing off.  It makes me wish I wasn't such an asshole and go back in the past and change a few things.  How sad and depressing.  But hey, one week ago I was in a movie theatre watching a movie with my mom...Damnit I wish I could go back in the past a couple weeks :(

Current Mood: Homesick!!!
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
12:15 am
"Was I outta my head, was I outta my mind?"

I can't believe break is over with already!? It seemed so quick and it seemed to have ended to soon.  I know time flies 33% faster when you're having fun (true scientific evidence), but damn!  I'm so home sick now it's not even a joking matter.  Seriously, this is the last place I would like to be right now...Millikin!  I keep thinking, 24 hours ago, I was in the comfort of my own home, surrounded by loved ones and now I'm back in my dorm room with probably 100-150 other students on campus out of 2500.  Maybe a handful I would consider friends and I haven't seen them yet.  It's so depressing here!  When I first walked into the dorm, it was almost surreal.  I had that feeling that something wasn't right.  Everything was pin drop quiet and clean for that matter.  When I walked in my room, I had that same feeling I had when I first got here in August.  The room smelt the same and it felt the same...it wasn't home.  This feeling will go away once my friends get back on campus.  I mean there is absolutely nothing to do!  The drive was probably the most depressing drive I've ever had.  I just kept thinking, 24 hours ago I was doing...a week ago I was doing...it didn't help the weather was overcast and rainy most of the way here. 

Oh yeah, the reason I'm here...track. Yeah, I'm so joyed! (sarcasm) I don't really feel like running but I feel like I have something to prove and I don't want to disappoint the coaches who spent so much time recruiting me.  I'm a little nervous.  I don't think it's because I don't think I can't keep up like with football.  New coaches, new teammates, everything will be different.  No more Coach Strauss, and Cherry, and Smith; no more Wade or Ford or anyone who I've run with the past four years, now I have guys that I've never met before and I'm expected to have some sort of chemistry with.  New workouts are what I'm afraid of too.  Everyday I knew what to expect in high school. Here, I have no clue what easy days are and hard days are.  I think that's the only reason I'm nervous.  I was 7th in the state of Missouri last year in the 400m.  If I can somehow duplicate my success from last year this year, I think I will be okay.

Now that's off my chest, I went to see Hostel on Sunday night with my mom and her friend...no exactly the best movie to see with your mom.  The first 45 minutes was practically a porn then the next hour and fifteen minutes was nothing but killings and bloody.  It was a good movie but lacked a very strong theme and plot. Oh well, go see it. I recommend it!

My brother in laws house was a blast also.  The Ohio State Buckeyes beat the shit out of Notre Dame.  I threw back my fair share of alcohol and so did my dad.  I love those people at my bro in laws.  There a fun group of people who all have good upbringings and can really relate to whoever they talk to. Good people.  When I left, Dustin (bro in law) gave me a bottle of some Canadian Whiskey.  It's so smooth...Good shit.  And the beauty is...my dad approved of it.  He finally told me that he saw me drink and I seem to know my limits.  I don't act like an ass when I drink so he said if I want a beer or a shot or whatever, he'd let me. Sweet!

Other than that, it was a pretty quiet week. My cat went in for surgery on a tumor in his ear today.  He's all good. They removed the tumor and cleaned out some infection and sent him on his kitty way with some ear drops.  My dad said he came home and seems to be perfectly fine, he's eating and drinking.  Good deal, one less thing on my mind...Well, I enjoyed the break, it sucks here, I'm lonely, homesick and tired...Can I go back to the start of break and do it all over again? Sorry for talking so much but I'm bored and lonely!

Current Mood: lonely
Monday, January 2nd, 2006
12:56 am
I'm one step closer to the edge...and I'm about to break!

Holy shit, I'm one angry mo-fo for the past few weeks for some reason!? I think all the lifting is starting to mess with my testosterone or something because I always seem like I want to break some shit. I don't really let people fuck with me to much either. The other night some asshole prick almost hit me so I stopped in the middle of the south service road, got out of my car and threw a fit that scared the shit out of some middle aged guy (he backed up into the restaurant where he came from and probably called the cops on me).  Shit like that has been happening a lot lately.  So I saw Wolf Creek tonight with my mom and her friend...worst god damn movie I've seent since Rent and Cabin fever in the same week.  If any of you assholes spend 8 bucks to see that movie or have your boyfriend spend 8 bucks for you to see it....call my cell and I'll drive over and run your ass over! really i will, dont play around with me.

Sorry people, I'm in a pissed off mood right now and I need to vent before I nyquil myself to sleep.  New Year's was fun, got drunk with my sisters husband...gonna get drunk as fuck tomorrow with him and some other people while we watch the Ohio State kick the shit out of Notre Dame! I'm supposed to be introduced into "Game Day Bloody Mary's" Can't wait! I also got a job hooked up for the summer! I'll be working for my brother in laws business installing cabinets. It should be fun, I won't be stuck at a restaurant or behind a desk. I'll be outside doing manual labor always in a different location making 4 to 500 bones a week! i plan on being single so i can put some junk in the bank and in mutual funds and start my retirement.  fuck yeah! i have no money right now. i cant work because of football and track but i have a thing where money always seems to find me one way or another. my school is supposed to be cutting me a check for around 500 dollars because we're ahead in our balance or some shit. i believe im destined to be rich because shit like that always seems to happen to me...odd? i think not!

oh yeah, happy new years, thats why i started writing in the first place! every year i like to make resolutions and stick to them pretty well.  from what i remember last year, ive followed through. here goes my goals/resolutions for the next year:

-learn to play a musical instrument
-430 lb squat; 260 lb bench; 240 lb hang clean; 260 lb push press all while at a weight of 175 lbs (currently: 225 bench, 360 squat, 185 hang clean, 185 push press as of 12/17)
-4.4 forty (I'm at 4.52 right now)
-break at least one millikin track record
-don't get my heart broken by cheaters and whores
-get some PT in football (so close i can taste it!)
-be a good uncle for my nephew (his name will be Mitch I believe)
-stop drinking...lol, had ya going! ill need a new liver if i dont stop drinking Everclear 3 night a week!
-fix up my car a little bit
-stop dipping (bad habit)

shit i had more but i cant think of them right now...ill get them later though.  and im still pissed off as a prick on a tire!  i talked to one of my buddies from west and told me the ex is now dating this fag off she cheated on my with...im not worried right now though because her time will come.  i have so many bad things  to say right now but im holding back the roid rage so ill just say fuck that shit, what we thought we had was nothing but shit under my shoe.  the same will come of this new relationship because you'll figure out some way to fuck it up! If you're still reading this then shit, you must still feel something toward me. take that feeling and flush it!  The feelings I have about you and about love are the same.. the kind of love between a man and a woman...all bullshit that won't ever be true:

Keep on writing you're just raping yourself (nothing can take my mind away from them)
Don't you ask about me, ask 'bout somebody else (Once I've fallen there's many stories to tell)
I can feel it, won't embrace it, it's overwhelming how far you take it (Stuck in a state of questioning)
And don't you tell me you know we're destined, you won't convince me, I won't listen (Resentment building, you've put our lives on hold)

Trashed and scattered again, I'm feelin' so low
You waste your breath while fuckin' with me, my blood is so cold
My destination always unknown, I'll find my way there
But you Goddamn Motherfuckers always wasting my time

I won't be the victim, but the first to cast a stone
Sedated nights to the bar room fights as metropolis takes its toll
And don't you try to stop me, it's a place you'll never know
Don't try to judge or take shots at me, I'll never let you seize control

Play your game you better walk away cause your integrity don't mean shit
Crawl on me you fucking parasite, and I'm gonna take you out

Label me, that's fine, I'll be somebody else (Nothing in front of me but holes ahead)
Lie about my life, have a story to tell (Lights went down, was on the edge and I fell)
Oh you're so insightful, let me remind you to twist and break me, should make you worried (Long way to go and you're right there)
Two-faced liar, don't try and know me, deceit brings fire, makes sure you can't breathe (Pick at pieces of my body below)

I never bothered with all the rumors, too much garbage (all the same)
(I know my destination)
I'll stand right here, come on you falsehood deceitful liar (There's no shame)
Don't ever take my side, I know you're never right, I'll justify the means (Nothing's what it seems)
I'll stand around and fight, but there's no point tonight, been chained to this machine

Trashed and scattered again, I'm feelin' so low
You waste your breath while fuckin' with me, my blood is so cold
My destination's always unknown, I'll find my way there
but Goddamn Imposter are you out of your mind?

I walk down these roads alone and now you're seen here
My feelings that I'm having towards you are perfectly clear (I control this ride)
My devils appetite is tonight and now I'm alright
But you Goddamn Motherfuckers always wasting my time

Play your game you better walk away cause your integrity don't mean shit
Crawl on me you fucking parasite, and I'm gonna take you out

I won't be the victim, but the first to cast a stone
Sedated nights to the bar room fights as metropolis takes its toll
And don't you try to stop me, it's a place you'll never know
Don't try to judge or take shots at me, I'll never let you seize control

Don't try and get the best of me (No one can help but your own self)
City makes my body ache (Lonely, don't try and prey on me)
I feel your world dying, no more use in tryin'
And my body's trashed and low, but to you I'll never show myself or what's inside

And I've seen it all before but I'll settle the score, I'll never join your side

Fuck this shit, tomorrow's gonna be a great day to lift! No fucking joke!

Current Mood: pissed off
Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
12:03 am
Merry Belated fuckin' Christmas bitches

A little late but who gives a shit. I don't really feel like writing but I'm bored out of my mind and a little buzzed! lol. Here's Christmas Eve/Day in a nut shell:

-Went to my aunt's house
-saw my uncle get wasted...funny as shit but sad because he's almost 80
-saw my grandma (mom's side) she claims this will be her last christmas and that made me sad
-dealt with all the family bullshit (dick uncle's mid life crisis and anorexic gf, alcoholism, prision, mental institutions...yeah, im serious)
-opened up christmas presents...by myself and with my parents...couldn't afford anything but a few christmas cards because im a bum
-got an ipod nano and a portable DVD player for all those long travels for track!
-had christmas at my crib = disaster (but i had a few shots and a couple beers so it wasn't as bad)
-grandma (dad's side) had another episode where everyone needed to feel sorry for her then we find out she actually had a stroke and wasn't faking it (long story). told me i was on her bad list and how she was going to give me money to go away for school but put it back in her bank account...whatever, write me out of the will, i dont care. im the only one who can carry on the montgomery name, thats all i wanted...(another long story).
-didn't do jack shit today but put music on my ipod and remember the old times and get depressed...

oh well, i got to see my sister and bro in law.  my nephew is only three months away!!! brother in law told me the twins from their wedding were asking about me and how they had a great time with me and how they want to see me next time theyre in town (they live in ohio!?). yeah gurl, monty's gonna nail some twins!  gonna get so shit faced on the 31st, 1st, 2nd i wont know where i am and will more likely than not die...shit

other than that, everyone expects me to be some answer for millikins track team and i dont like the pressure.  lifting like crazy. put on 5 pounds of lean muscle since the 1st.  getting "swole". people are noticing.  im tired and need to sleep.

Current Mood: buzzed and sleepy
Monday, December 19th, 2005
11:26 pm
Single and ready to mingle...again!?
It's officially over with now, me and Nikki that is. No reason at all which is peculiar and even more unuasual is the fact that she apoligized like a hundred times to me. I understand the usual, I'm sorry it couldn't work out (enter bullshit line here). But no, after every line it was sorry, I'm so sorry. I have no clue what to say to that so I didn't say anything. The truth is, I'm over her. After my suspicions concluded she cheated on me, I kinda didn't give a shit anymore. My suspicions were found to be correct and I have a reliable source which I went to HS with telling me the 411 on what occured at least one time, more likely than not more. I don't care if alcohol was involved or not, cheating is cheating, so there. Over with and done with. She missed the boat because I'm not looking back once. I've got so much working for me right now and I like the way things are turning out right now. I've got track coming up in less than a month, I'm lifting like a mad man and getting some impressive gains already! I'm so excited about that it's not even funny. Before I know it football will be here and I'm hearing I'm in the running for a little PT next year if I keep up the good shit. I'm officially declaring my major next semester so I've got my future planned out. It's all looking good for me right now. And...I'm going home tomorrow! I can't fucking wait to get out of here and see some friends and shit. I'm amped like none other. Yeah sure part of me misses her. Like last night I caught a scent of here on my pillow and I ended up falling asleep to her scent. But theres not much I can do about it. She fucked up right? Her loss. I'm sure she'll be telling herself that the next time she gets used and cheated on and is left for the dogs. Meanwhile, I'll find "her" and we'll be happy. The next time she hears "Yeah gurl" it won't be from my mouth; it will all be from a ghost in her headbecause there's no lookin' back now. I've got a white level to join and a 48 to run. Later. (Throws down mic)

Current Mood: To much good to be sad
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
1:43 am

"Wings Of A Butterfly"

Heaven ablaze in our eyes
We're standing still in time
The blood on our hands is the wine
We offer as sacrifice

Come on, and show them your love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul, my love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul

This endless mercy mile
We're crawling side by side
With hell freezing over in our eyes
Gods kneel before our crime

Come on lets show, them your love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul, my love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul
(Rip out the wings of a butterfly)
Don’t let go
(Rip out the wings of a butterfly)
For your soul

Come on, and show them your love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul, my love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
For your soul
(Rip out the wings of a butterfly)
Don’t let go
(Rip out the wings of a butterfly) [x2]

For your soul

This is my current song of the moment.  Good shit from a great band called HIM.  I'm done with my soft music phase and I'm ready for some hardcore death metal! YAY!  With this song only having two real verses, I'm having trouble deciding what the song is about....but it sounds great anyways...great guittar work.

But yeah, I'm tired as shit, hungry as hell, and lonely as an etheopian's stomach. Haha, I made a funny.  Finals are officially over with and I'm still in Decatur???? All because I just have to show up on Tuesday and hear some people present some shit they have no clue what they're talking about.  Oh well, less than 72 hours 'til I'm home and I need to drink away my self pity before I go home...maybe I'll find my dignity along the way but I wouldn't count on it.  (Side note: HIM kicks fuckin' ass! Join Me is another great song so check it out.)

Anyways, I've managed to fuck up some shit again (Pause for bitch slap).  With all the shit going on around me, the 5:30 wake ups, studying for tests, writing pages and pages of papers, presentations, I've managed to totally fuck up the one thing that made me happy.  In my sleep deprived state, I went on an anger rampage...whoops.  I think the relationship is over with but neither of us want to be the one who calls it quits. I have my reasons why I don't want to but thats another story...I don't want it to end because I believe there is hope still.  If we both feel it's worth it, we'll find a way but we both have to work at it.  If not, "Live, laugh, love" right?  Wrong when everything seems empty right now...even my fucking stomach, damn!  Sometimes I go to bed wishing the sun would never rise again or I would never wake up again...I quit.

"All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us."


Current Mood: what have i done?
Thursday, December 15th, 2005
9:34 pm
"Cause it's you and me...and all other people..."
Hmmm, am I going to regret that last post or not? I don't know but I'm just plain bored right now. Talked to Lara on the phone was the highlight of the night...that tells you how exciting my night has been so far. Looking forward to going home and dealing with some bullshit I don't want to fuck with...I'll get to see Lara and Nikki and some friends I haven't seen in a while. It's going to be good times because all I plan on doing is sitting on my ass and playing video games and getting drunk as hell here and there...TOODELS!!!

Current Mood: chipper
[ << Previous 20 ]
About LiveJournal.com